Why Does My Child Act Differently at Home and School?

If your child seems like a different person at school compared to home, you’re not alone. Many children experience a shift in behaviour depending on the setting. This can leave parents puzzled, and even wondering if they’re doing something wrong.

Understanding why this happens and implementing supportive strategies can help your child feel more balanced in both environments, can ease the transition between school and home.

Why Do Some Kids Act Differently in Different Settings?

“Teachers say he’s so well-behaved at school – they think it must be a parenting issue.”

As a parent, this can be both frustrating and disheartening to hear, especially when you’re doing your best to support your child.

The truth is, some children manage to ‘hold it together’ at school. Once they get home, they finally feel safe to ‘let it all out’, which can result in meltdowns or challenging behaviour. Other children may seem calm and secure at home but become anxious or distracted in the classroom.

For children with ADHD, autism, anxiety, sensory processing challenges or learning disabilities, these behaviour changes are not unusual.

Here’s a closer look at why some children may behave differently depending on whether they’re at home or school.

• School Structure vs. Home Freedom: For some children, the predictable routine and structure of the school day provide a sense of security that helps them meet behavioural expectations. However, the less-structured home environment can lead to meltdowns if they’ve used up all their energy and emotional resources at school. For other kids, the opposite may be true — they feel relaxed at home but anxious or overwhelmed by the demands at school.

• Performance Pressure: Children who experience social anxiety or who have obsessive-compulsive tendencies may suppress their symptoms at school to avoid judgement. Children with ADHD or ASD often feel pressured to ‘fit in’ at school, where they work hard to mask behaviours like restlessness, impulsivity, or sensory sensitivities. Many children work hard to present themselves as ‘fine’ to their teachers and peers. This masking can be exhausting, leading to emotional release once they’re home in a safe environment.

• Comfort and Safety at Home: Children often feel safe to express their ‘worst selves’ at home, knowing they’ll be loved unconditionally. Think of it like the feeling of taking off uncomfortable shoes after a long day. This safety can lead to behavioural release, like tantrums or irritability, once the child feels they’re in a safe space.

• Different Expectations: Schools often set up rewards and consequences in a consistent way, with teachers providing immediate feedback when a child doesn’t follow directions. At home, parents may not have the same consistency or immediate consequences, which can affect behaviour.

“Many children work hard to present themselves as ‘fine’ to their teachers and peers, only to experience an emotional release at home.”

Strategies for Parents to Support Kids’ Behaviour in Both Settings

Here are some strategies parents can use to help their children develop self-regulation and coping skills that support consistent, balanced behaviour at both school and home. Your OT can offer further insights and personalised recommendations to support your child’s specific needs.

1. Encourage Sensory Regulation: Busy environments like school can lead to sensory overload. Set up a “calm corner” at home with sensory tools like weighted blankets, headphones, or fidget toys to help your child decompress.

2. Use Visual Schedules: Visual schedules outlining daily activities provide predictability, which can ease transitions. Create a similar schedule at home to mirror the structure at school, making shifts smoother.

3. Incorporate Movement Breaks: Regular movement breaks improve focus and emotional regulation. Integrate “heavy work” activities like carrying a backpack or pushing a cart to help children feel grounded, especially during transitions.

4. Use Social Stories for New Settings: Social stories outline situations and expected responses, reducing anxiety. Create a story that describes the transition from school to home, showing safe ways to release energy.

5. Provide Calming Tools at School: Work with your child’s teacher to integrate calming tools like a stress ball or chewable jewellery in the classroom. These help kids self-regulate without interrupting their learning.

6. Teach Self-Advocacy Skills: Encourage your child to communicate their sensory needs, like asking for a break when overwhelmed. OTs can support these self-advocacy skills, building confidence to express needs appropriately.

7. Build Fine Motor Skills: Strong fine motor skills reduce stress during school tasks. Practice with activities like Play-Doh or tweezers to help build hand strength and coordination.

8. Practice Mindfulness and Breathing: Simple mindfulness exercises and deep breathing help with calm and focus. Before transitions, encourage your child to take deep breaths or use grounding activities to manage emotions.

It’s normal for children to behave differently in different settings. By understanding why these differences occur and implementing strategies to support your child in both settings, you can help them feel more secure and balanced. Collaboration between home and school, consistent routines, and reinforcement of positive behaviour can make a big difference, creating a supportive environment that allows your child to thrive.