Why Kids Act Differently at Home and School?
If your child seems like a different person at school compared to home, you’re not alone. Many children experience a shift in behaviour depending on the setting. This can leave parents puzzled, and even wondering if they’re doing something wrong.
Some children may hold it together all day at school, only to “let it all out” once they get home. Others are calm and relaxed at home but become anxious or distracted in the classroom. It can be helpful to understand why these behaviour changes happen and what strategies might help your child feel more balanced in both environments.
Why Do Some Kids Act Differently in Different Settings?
Children are often doing their best to manage their emotions and meet expectations, which can be especially challenging for kids with conditions like ADHD, autism, anxiety, or learning disabilities. Here’s a closer look at why some children may behave differently depending on whether they’re at home or school.
School Structure vs. Home Freedom: For some children, the predictable routine and structure of the school day provide a sense of security that helps them meet behavioural expectations. However, the less-structured home environment can lead to meltdowns if they’ve used up all their emotional resources at school. For other kids, the opposite may be true — they feel relaxed at home but anxious or overwhelmed by the demands at school.
Performance Pressure: Children who experience social anxiety or who have obsessive-compulsive tendencies may suppress their symptoms at school to avoid judgement. Many children work hard to present themselves as “fine” to their teachers and peers, only to experience an emotional release at home.
Comfort and Safety at Home: Children often feel safe to express their “worst selves” at home, knowing they’ll be loved unconditionally. Think of it like the feeling of taking off uncomfortable shoes after a long day. This safety can lead to behavioural release, like tantrums or irritability, once the child feels they’re in a safe space.
Different Expectations: Schools often set up rewards and consequences in a consistent way, with teachers providing immediate feedback when a child doesn’t follow directions. At home, parents may not have the same consistency or immediate consequences, which can affect behaviour.
“Many children work hard to present themselves as ‘fine’ to their teachers and peers, only to experience an emotional release at home.”
Strategies for Parents to Support Kids’ Behaviour in Both Settings:
Here are some OT-based approaches parents can use to support children who act differently at school and home:
Encourage Sensory Regulation: Children may experience sensory overload in busy environments like school, which can lead to behaviour changes at home. Occupational therapists often use sensory integration techniques, such as movement breaks or fidget tools, to help children regulate their sensory needs. Consider setting up a “calm corner” at home where your child can decompress with sensory tools like weighted blankets, noise-canceling headphones, or squishy balls.
Implement Visual Schedules and Routines: Many children respond well to visual schedules that outline daily activities and help them anticipate transitions. Using a visual schedule at home that mimics the school’s structured day can provide a comforting sense of predictability. Occupational therapists frequently recommend this strategy for children who need extra support with transitions.
Incorporate Movement Breaks: Physical activity can improve attention, focus, and emotional regulation. Integrate short movement breaks throughout the day, especially during transitions from school to home activities. Techniques like “heavy work” (activities that engage muscles, such as pushing, pulling, or lifting) can help children feel grounded and calm, making it easier to transition between activities. Occupational therapists may suggest activities like carrying a backpack, climbing, or pushing a small cart as grounding exercises.
Use Social Stories to Build Comfort with New Settings: Social stories are narratives that describe a situation and appropriate responses, which can help children prepare for new or challenging situations. Occupational therapists often create these stories to help children practice expected behaviours and reduce anxiety in different settings. Parents can make a social story that describes the transition from school to home, highlighting safe and appropriate ways to release energy after school.
Provide Calming Tools for the School Environment: Speak with your child’s teacher or school OT about integrating calming tools into their classroom routine. These tools might include a sensory kit with items like a small stress ball, chewable jewellery, or a textured fabric. Many OTs find that sensory tools help children self-regulate without disrupting their learning environment, creating a smoother experience for both school and home.
Promote Self-Advocacy Skills: Teaching children how to communicate their sensory or emotional needs can empower them to manage stressors in both environments. Encourage your child to ask for a break, a drink of water, or time to use sensory tools when they feel overwhelmed. Occupational therapists can work on these self-advocacy skills, building confidence in children to express their needs in a way that feels safe and respectful.
Focus on Fine Motor Skills and Hand Strengthening: Children who feel physically competent and comfortable with fine motor tasks may find schoolwork and daily routines less stressful. Occupational therapists often work on hand strength, coordination, and fine motor skills with children who struggle with these tasks, helping to build confidence and reduce frustration. Activities like playing with Play-Doh, using tweezers for small objects, or practicing with putty can be fun ways to strengthen fine motor skills at home.
Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Techniques: Occupational therapists frequently teach simple mindfulness or deep breathing exercises to help children regulate emotions. Practicing these exercises at home can support calm and focus, especially during transitions. For example, before moving from school to homework, encourage your child to take deep breaths, stretch, or use a grounding activity like gentle rocking.
